Some Thoughts About Today

Some Thoughts About Today

Be careful, what expectations you set!

The Problem

Today was, 2/22/22. As if something should have happened, or maybe changed. Some had set high hopes for having some real relief today. What I saw, was only heartbreak.

Today

We all set some expectations for ourselves. That something will happen that brings joy and happiness into our lives. For some people it might mean, a date, for others it might mean having something to watch on TV.

A woman in front of Starbucks might have lost her home, she looked like she was on the edge of mental breakdown, had unpacked her belongings on the tables, and was being investigated. Such things, are heartbreaking. It happens, it could have been any one there. Hope she is doing okay tonight. I took my time to hope for her, and think about how people should be kind.

My life has turned out. If you can call it that. Trying to love myself a little bit. It isn’t easy to feel love, when people can be so cruel in this world. Still, we have to have some love for ourselves, and stop comparing ourselves to others.

Put up a curtain in front of the mirror in the bathroom. I don’t want to see myself. Not really. If the need to see myself really arises, there is the ability to pull the curtain back. At this point, I don’t want to look. I feel as bitter as wormwood. I’m trying to love myself, and maybe, not looking at myself will help make me feel less hurt.

No one to really talk with, nor spend time with. No one calls, no one writes, no one really cares. I’m waiting for something that may never come. There was some hope that today would have been a turning point. Didn’t really get the feeling that it will get better.

Isolation keep hurting me. Looking at another long night, alone. Not much I can do about these problems. Something is draining me, my energy, my living force. I feel, at the bottom of some pit, in the dark, and barefoot. There were times, this life felt like climbing Mount Everest, alone, in the dark, and barefoot. But now, it feels like a pit.

Happy Tuesday

Listening to music. No one reads my work. They don’t really seem to listen. Doesn’t matter what I write. They don’t talk with me. It is kinda too late for things to really get better. I hope their lives, will improve. Everyone needs some comfort, some real relief, and peace of mind. I’m trying to convince myself, that I have those things. Seems futile in some ways. I should be happy. I should be content. Yet, the way the bourgeoisie live, makes me want to puke.

They like it, which is good. I’m glad they enjoy that. People like myself, find existence in those terms, to become stale like an old mango.

I have finished reading: The Outsider and find that he gives no real solution to the problems. And it seems the problems of every outsider is a bit different. Still I would like to think there is a solution to the problem. What I have found, is most people lack the fiber to be interested in the problem.

There may be a solution to my problem, in thinking about it long enough. Yet, I may be willing to risk damnation, before taking that path. No one to really talk with about it, got nothing to really look forward to. Life changes, and people change sometimes. Maybe, I will change in time. Maybe, this will all end, and something better will happen? No one really knows. Yet, I have some beliefs that can not be explained, or really tested. Just a feeling, some memory of something that could be. That isn’t enough for most people to put some faith into it. I might. Not everyone has to believe.

Religion is useful to many of the masses. There are some good in some of them. They have use, for what they do. And in some ways, for most normal people, they can accept what they teach. Some people, may be different. Yet, society has to be able to function, and exist in ways that make life better for everyone. So there is some good in what religion does for people. Some of them, have some false teachings, and should be corrected. Yet, there is need for balance in life. Become unbalanced, and life sucks. I know. You don’t want to go down the road, I’ve been on. If i believed in a hell, this would feel like the road. Maybe there is an exit, i can take, and get on the highway to life?

Maybe, no one cares? Need some failure proof way to exist. And, still be able to have some fun. Seems my days are numbered. Running out of road, running out of time. Does anyone out there love me? They couldn’t possibly. They don’t know me, they don’t know the problems that I’m faced with, or the way I feel. Does anyone know anyone in this world? Seems like we have to get back to being kind to each other. Something has to change. Damn it!