I’m Not The End Game
I’m Not The End Game
I’m the decoy
The Problem:
I’m the end of the family line. Nothing coming from me, and the chances of leaving a legacy, is zero. Maybe, I’ve got it wrong somehow. What is truth?
Thoughts. . .
As much as my desire to leave a legacy behind me, seems nothing is going to come from my loins. This body, and the body of work I leave; may not be of any value. Really, who would it be of any value to? Seems like worthless rubbish, it all had some value to me. Seems I’m not valued enough for my opinion of my own work to be considered as being useful. It may have some use, someday to someone.
Wanted to be legendary, seems what I have is junk. Junk to whom? Seems, I’ve struggled for my whole life, to leave a mark, some records of my existence. In some hope, that those that come after me, would think of.
With no offspring, being the end of my family line; there will be no one that comes after me, to remember my words. Seems like my work, will be forgotten, and likely placed in the bit bucket, only to be never seen.
You would have to wonder if I enjoyed it? All that work, and effort for nothing. A total waste of my life. Only to be thrown away because no one follows after me. What comes of people like me? Seems nothing.
Points
Everything is energy. Everything. Seems, I’ve put this energy out into the universe, only to see no real results from my efforts. To be honest, I feel like the biggest failure in the existence of this world. Seems so.
You would think, that I would have been able through sheer bloody minded desire to have been successful with my efforts. Nothing has manifested from my effort. A sore finger, and some headache from thinking too much.
Losses
Originally thought of writing something else tonight. After thinking about it, I choose to write this. I hate being manipulated by outside forces. It might have been a very good idea; however, I’m going to sit on it for a day, and put some more thought into it.
Seems, the losses, are great. It is difficult to deal with loss. Everyone has a tough time dealing with loss. My unborn children will never know my name. Seems greater losses than that. The loss of my freedom, and health; such that it is, is far enough to drive a man drink himself to death. I don’t drink. Coffee and cigarettes only. Still the enjoyment of those, doesn’t make up for the losses I’ve suffered. My ability to work, or create. The love that lacked in my life, was enough to kill me. It has driven me mad. No one seems to care.
Seems some curse. Something in the blood of me. Maybe, the writing was good? You would think, something good would come from this mess. Seems, I’ve been weeded out of existence. They don’t want my blooms in their garden. Pity, I might have been something really good. Everything has some use. I feel it is important to be of use. Seems, no one cared. Some curse.
The Black Sheep
Seems, they kill the black sheep. Not wanted, or needed. It’s been a real bad time. You wouldn’t believe the last twenty years of my life. Even if you read everything I wrote about the last twenty years, you wouldn’t believe it. And if you do, it wouldn’t paint the picture as black as it really was. There are no words in english that can describe the pain I’ve endured. You would read them, but it could not express the full extent of my suffering.
Seems to be, people don’t know me. My life is more than half over and fading fast. Wanted to see results from my efforts while I was living. Seems the clouds on the horizon, puts me in a bad light. Some wrong turn, and the address on the envelope was wrong. They wanted to send me to hell. Hope to change that address before I die. Not sure, there is anything I can do about it.
Some life. This life. The last twenty years, have been a living death. I think of it, as zombie cat shit. That’s pretty funny really. I hate cats. Some sick doggie. Looking for my way back home, some ship at sea, lost in the storm.
It Wasn’t In The Stars
You would think, my birth chart, there would have been love in my life? Seems, fate dealt some awful hand, giving me aces in spades. Some deck of cards, it may not matter how many times we shuffle the deck, I’m not sure there can be a good outcome from this star chart. Some things are best to be fixed by karma and fate. No one called. Some proof, regardless of what they say, it’s just foobar.