Sunday Morning Thoughts

Written By A Real Person

Sunday Morning Thoughts

Midnights Confessions On The 25th Hour

The Problem:

Just finished, smoking three cigarettes; and brewing coffee. It is midnight. Outside feels like a total of twenty degrees. However, it is likely not that cold. The coffee won’t be drank until noon tomorrow, when I wake up. It will sit in the fridge, in a glass carafe until then.

I’m drinking sprite, and finished eating a heap of peanut butter. The way things are, today feels pathetic. Did a load of laundry, and looked up the word: “Schizoid” You should look the word up, and see what it really means.

Why? It feels like people aren’t reading. Maybe they are busy, like actually living, and doing things that matter? Seems, I’m stuck, with limited abilities, and struggling to do even what I’m currently doing. And, to be honest; most of what I’m doing is laying on the sofa, like a warm sack of poo.

I struggle to find real success, and my feelings are that I will die; a failure. Doesn’t seem to bother anyone but myself. I started asking myself questions:

Is this what my aspirations were?

Did I achieve what I dreamed of doing in real life?

If I amount to only this, should I be happy?

The grim humor of life. In some sick sadistic ways, maybe it is funny? Maybe they feel it is just?

It feels like, I’m a failure by most definitions of the term. If it felt like people were happy that I’m living, I would feel a better sense of accomplishment. Seems the burdens I’ve put on people aren’t fair, or good.

It is really difficult, to lay on the sofa, like a warm sack of poo. You have to be really drugged from that good stuff that PSI puts you on. Until, life feels like a living death, and totally zombie cat shit. They don’t want more than warm sacks of shit. They don’t want you talking, or saying anything.

How should a person, really measure their success? If people are happy you are living might be a good way. If people are only happy you are dead, might be the wrong end of the stick.

I’m not sure, would be living like a ghost in the world, and being completely unknown be a failure? What is good, and balanced?

Thinking about it. I’m skilled in some things. Sometimes, I try to be a total beginner at things too. Its fun to learn, and do new things. Really the point I was trying to make: My mind contains some talents, and some skills.

People don’t respect talents or skills. Not until your dead, and they have to do that themselves. Then they wonder why your not there. People want really trustworthy, honest, and moral to a fault. They don’t like bending the rules, even under breaking points.

So in life, aside from being crazy; I’ve likely done more than I set out to accomplish. Just the fact, that I’ve done what I have with the disabilities that I have; says a lot about my passion, drive, and personality.

I’ve mostly accomplished this, in isolation. With the very minimum feedback, or encouragement. And the way I feel; seems I should have done a lot more. I should have done better work. Seems I’m slow on the uptake. Maybe, it was that I didn’t understand the instructions to start with?

Not that I’m great. Many have done more, better than I have. However, I think that if you look at their situations, and the opportunities they have had; there are explanations for the success they have had.

I’ve heard it said, “Not all failures are deserved.” And there is a quote that I like a lot:

Success is not the teacher; failure is. — unknown

I’ve seen some dumb mistakes of mine. Tough lessons to learn. I’m still licking my wounds. Seems the way things are, this life will teach me some real lessons. I hope to survive them. That which doesn’t kill you; and doesn’t break you; makes you stronger.

Some people seem to see success really very easy. Likely they put a lot of work into it. Nothing comes easy these days. As Beth Wood says in her song: “Everything good will come the hard way.”

Seems I’ve been doing it wrong. Someone should have told me. Maybe I’m not much. It does feel like I’m not very lovable. There are no romantic interests that I entertain, or that I fancy. My disillusionment with people that were once seemed only like living dreams, has faded. Maybe the love and affection have been beaten out of me.

The point is: by most humans standards, I’m going to die a failure. Guess this life is a lesson, that people should learn from, and use great care to avoid making the same mistakes I’ve made. The creative work, would have been different, had the mistakes not been made; but then, I would have seen success too.

My Advise:

Live your life, in such a way; that your family, and friends; are happy you are alive. Or would be sad in the event you died. If people are only happy you are dead, you did it wrong.

Like I said, seems I’m going to die a failure. Tough lesson. Learn from it. Study it. Don’t make the mistakes I did. You should live better than a warm sack of poo, and still have people that are happy you are alive.

Live Well!!!!