All Tomorrow’s Parties
Written By A Real Person
All Tomorrow’s Parties
Musings on Friday Morning
The Problem:
I’ve been thinking. Which is a good thing. What I haven’t been doing, is living much. Seem to be existing, like a warm sack of poo. Really, when your life reaches that point, you have to question existence. What choice does one have? Seems the only thing that a person can do, is grit their teeth, and crawl like a baby across broken glass.
Bored
I’m not seeing great results. Feels like everyone is ghosting me. That is a very unpleasant position to find oneself in. Just how is a person supposed to deal with that kind of torment? Really, a person could go way out of their mind under those kinds of situations. Seems, almost impossible to get relief.
And, really what we want; is some comfort that feels like comfort; and relief that feels like relief. It is impossible to play a game well, when you don’t know the rules. Seems, other people that do know the rules, will cheat to get their ways. Because, they know the game, and you don’t.
What Is Fair Play?
Have to wonder, what fair play would look like. What is fair, right, and true? That matters, a whole lot. When you don’t know the game, or how to play; life gets really very confusing.
When people ghost you, and won’t tell you why; makes a person question the rules of the game. Doesn’t seem, like fair play to me. It is a goal of mine, to be kind, and friendly with everyone that I may meet. I’m not sure, what kind of results this has. People may not see smiles, or a lot of soap with me. Maybe, they mistake my expression; and don’t know how to read me?
If they knew, how it hurts. Seems, no one really cared about that. Feeling lost in some sea of ether. Feeling that my feelings have been damaged. Trying to mend broken pieces, and using what glue there is, to put some kind of window back in. Maybe, I should put in a brick wall where the window used to be? It might keep people from breaking my feelings again?
When a person is open, then there is hope to the light. They say:
“There is a crack in everything, that is how the light gets in.” — Leonard Cohen
To really live, a person has to be open. Sometimes, when your broken, your open. The point is, sometimes you have to come out of your shell.
Problems Are Real
Seems, everything that they have done, has been in the efforts; to destroy my self esteem, self confidence, and make me doubt myself about every last iota about myself. It also feels like they have done such, with malice; however, I’m not trying to prove that right now.
They pick at me, and tear me down. Little by little, they erode my self esteem, and my self confidence; and then they wonder why I don’t appear to be competent. Maybe it has something to do with the fact; they are trying to destroy me? Maybe, they are too dumb to see how they are doing such, and it is pointless to argue with them. I’m not sure if it is just neglect, and indifference in extreme ways; or if it is outright hate. It would be important to know, for sure.
Looking For Answers
No good answers have come. I’m still doing things, the way I’ve been doing them, for the last six years. I’ve tried to change my ways, to no avail. Needed help to change my ways, and wrote about the changes that needed made. Seems, no one reads. Damn it.
Looking for answers to some of these problems, the isolation, the ghosting, and the solitary confinement; all suck. Not able to get people to listen, or think. Feeling like, something has to change. No one is really paying attention; and that, is going to have negative side effects.
I’ve written about this before. Wish people would wake up. Having hurt feelings, and not able to pick myself back up. Seems, I’m doomed. No one reads my work. The last nine stories; all have zero reads to them. Tired of this. I’m putting forth the effort; and no one could even care. Sick world.
Wanted some attention that feels like love. Not getting it, is killing me. Feeling like I’m suffocating. In a vacuum, and feeling like, this shit, isn’t getting better. damn it. Want peace with them, the way things are; this is counter productive to really having peace here. Want results.